PowerSwitch

BRITAIN ground to a standstill today after the heaviest November global warming bullshit in more than a decade.

Across the country thousands of people found themselves trapped in pubs by a relentless blizzard of tedious, predictable observations by the sort of people who post comments on the Daily Mail website.

The Met Office said there was around 24 inches of dreary, ill-informed piss in most parts of the UK, while strong winds could cause bullshit drifts up to 40ft deep.

Tom Logan, who is trapped in a pub in Stevenage, said: "I popped into the White Hart for a few triple vodkas before I went back to work and there was Geoff just sitting there. With his newspaper.

"I could see it coming towards me like a huge, dark cloud full of utter f***ing shit about things that he does not even begin to understand.

"It started with a flurry of statistics that simply aren't true and then the really heavy stuff came down - 'so why is it so cold?' and 'it's all a Marxist conspiracy' which was, of course, followed immediately by 'that Al Gore is a billionaire, you know'.

"It stopped, very briefly, while he ordered another Guinness and then he just dumped this massive, disgusting comment about Africans right into the middle of my head. Thank God I wasn't driving."

Dr Julian Cook, a senior research fellow at the Institute for Studies, said: "One of the nastier effects of the global warming debate is that a lot of people - Daily Mail readers, fuckers, that kind of thing - seem to think climate science is based on looking out the window.

"So, over the next couple of days, if someone says to you 'I suppose this is so-called climate change?' just say 'yes, it f***ing is actually'."

Meanwhile, Logan said he still hoped to dig himself out before sunset, adding: "At this time of year I always carry my bollocks shovel and a pair of tennis rackets, but it will take me a while to get out of here because as you can see he is still going on and on and on and on.

"If he even starts to say 'we could probably do with a bit of global warming' I am going to try and kill myself with this flare gun"

However, the warming is so far manifesting itself more in winters which are less cold than in much hotter summers. According to Dr David Viner, a senior research scientist at the climatic research unit (CRU) of the University of East Anglia,within a few years winter snowfall will become "a very rare and exciting event".

"Children just aren't going to know what snow is," he said.

Heavy snow will return occasionally, says Dr Viner, but when it does we will be unprepared. "We're really going to get caught out. Snow will probably cause chaos in 20 years time," he said.

What is inaccurate about the prediction? Seems absolutely spot on to me.